Together Again.... Forever

This past week my grandmother passed away. It was five months to the day after her husband of 68 years had passed. They both went while peacefully sleeping at home surrounded by family. How blessed we are for that. The day before she died I awoke from a dream that my grandfather had come to the house while we were all gathered. He walked her to his car and they left.

One Day at a Time...

The last week and a half somehow feels like an eternity. A whirlwind of information and emotions. It's easy to get lost in the the sadness. The murk that feels like it will engulf one's heart forever. But something has been happening. The support of other dog lovers (animal lovers really) has been like a ray of sunshine that reminds me that I would not trade any of the years of joy with Bodhi to not suffer this pain of losing him. The truth is that the depth of my sadness mirrors the depth of my joy and love for this soulful canine.

One email seemed simple enough: "When you mentioned you feel badly that you can't do anything for him, you are doing something for him by taking time out to cherish every minute together, by sharing his story with others and keeping his spirit strong, and by loving him." These words permeated my thoughts and reminded me of the benefit of staying in the present. Over the last few days I've come to realize in my heart, not just my head, that even though I can not fix his body or change the outcome or keep him here as long as I'd like, I can make the time he has left the best possible! The only thing I really have control over is the quality of his days; lots of love and attention, yummy food, walks at his favorite spots, butt scratches and COOKIES!.... This concept was in my "head" before but now it's in my heart and it feels really good... if that makes sense. Instead of focusing on how sad I am to lose him I want to focus on how much I love him and can give him now, in the present....

Those of us who have true connection with our animals experience them not just as "pets" but as companions. Friends. Family. And in the stories of love and loss that have been shared with me this past week I find a comfort, even a bond. I am not alone. We, as animal lovers, are in this together.

Ms. Muffet's Happy Tail...

Muffet's story warms my heart as well. After a hard life of being a high volume breeder, Muffet, an 8 year old English Labrador was retired and put up for adoption. Joann, who had just lost her 14 year old Lab mix a year ago, was not intending on getting another dog quite so soon, especially one of such an advanced age. But a friend told Joann about the web site of a breeder that was retiring some breeders and Joann fell for Muffet the moment they met. Although the "free" adoption turned out to be quite expensive after addressing several expensive medical issues Joann says she has no regrets and plans to spoil Muffet for the rest of her life.

"Muffet is an incredibly sweet, lovable dog who had lived her life (prior to my adopting her) in a kennel situation where she gave birth to, and raised several litters of puppies. She had never known what it was to go for a walk or play in the park, or have one-on-one attention. She was initially very tentative & nervous because everything outside a kennel situation was a new experience for her. We have been together for 7 months now & Muffet has really come out of her shell & is definitely enjoying life as a spoiled, only dog. "

Yeah Muffet!!

PUPPIES!!...

What better way to warm the heart and soothe the soul than PUPPIES!?!? Okay, how about seven puppies? Seven puppies only seven weeks old! Cathy Tsao may be one of the most dedicated people I know. Amid working and attending school she is dedicated not only to her own dogs but to her Canine Companions for Independence dogs. These dogs will go on to make huge impacts on the lives of those that depend on them. As quoted from the CCI web site "The most advanced technology capable of transforming the lives of people with disabilities has a cold nose and a warm heart. Canine Companions for Independence provides highly-trained assistance dogs for children and adults with disabilities, free of charge".

Cathy, I commend you for all your dedication and hard work!

A Bodhi Update....

Thank you to everyone for your support! There are so many people asking for updates that I thought I'd better make an update...

Bodhi is in excellent spirits, has a healthy appetite and good bowel movements (I only mention that because I anticipate that to be the next hurdle). I have had a chance to 'digest' the events of the last week and am feeling calmer and more accepting of the situation (until it changes, of course). I actually had an animal communicator session yesterday and it was interesting. According to her, Bodhi is in no pain and has no complaints about all that is going on. Although she says his heart aches, for me. Bodhi wants to get back to our routine (longer walks! which were restricted due to his torn ligament, which seems to have healed nicely on it's own). Everything she said rang very true and there were no 'revelations', only some useful information like he needs to pee more frequently than I am aware of and he would like tastier food. Also worth noting, she asked him if he had cancer and he said no. Hmmnnn... food for thought there... we are definitely going to seek a second opinion from a holistic based doctor. In the meantime, he is doing very well!

I am also wishing I were a more domesticated woman these days and that I would have learned to sew! I've been struggling to make him an outfit (for lack of a better term) that protects the catheter and allows him to NOT wear the e-collar (which cuts right into the sore on his neck - ouch!). After several modifications and a huge learning curve he now sports his new get-up... :-)

Thank you for checking in on us! For those of you curious or interested in the animal communicator her name is Barbara Martin. Her email is nugget@sbcglobal.net and her web site is http://www.animalcommunicationplus.com.

The Waiting...

They say that waiting is the hardest part. There's even a song about it. But I'm not sure. The hardest part is imagining life without a loved one. The most disappointing part is hearing at the end of the waiting that the test is "inconclusive". There could be more tests, a biopsy would tell us conclusively that cancer of the prostate is the issue. A biopsy is an invasive procedure, the results of which do not alter the end. Having been told that prostate cancer does not retreat from radiation or other treatments with much success we will not be going down that road.

No more tests. No biopsy.

The pressure from the enlarged prostate has blocked Bodhi's urethra, which means he is not able to pee. For now, an in-dwelling catheter will allow the urine to pass without daily visits to the veterinary office. This buys us a little time with him.

Who knows when the next hurdle will occur. There certainly was a wave of relief knowing that I would not have to make that unthinkable decision in the next few days. I don't know if it will be weeks, months or, dare I think it, a year but having been faced with the reality of losing him every minute longer is a bonus.

When I first adopted Bodhi I knew that the lifespan of a large breed was not as long as the smaller dog breeds. I hoped for a long and healthy life. Whenever I saw those rickety, lumpy bumpy dogs wobbling down the sidewalk I would hope that someday Bodhi would be so lucky. That I would be so lucky. To have shared a lifetime. Thoughts of the slow pace of a senior canine warmed my heart. Bodhi has had such fantastic health I got my hopes up. Those hopes have come crashing down.

Now, each moment is precious. His spirit is good. He's still very "Bodhi". I will savour him. And our time left together.

The hardest part.... is knowing there is nothing I can do.

Quote

"A heavy downpour. Stand and face the rain, let it's iron rays pierce you; drift with the water that wants to sweep you away but yet stand fast, and upright in this way abide the sudden and endless shining of the sun."
Kafka

The Beginning of the End?...

It's inevitable, isn't it? Dogs simply have a shorter lifespan that humans, so even if they live out a long and full life, it feels too short. When I first adopted Bodhi, he was approximately a year old. I told myself then not too expect much more than 8 years with him since he is a "large breed". Well, our 7 years together have flown by. It has been in the back of my mind that he is approaching that dreaded age that I had previously put in my head, but his health has always been perfect and we've lead an active lifestyle. On a semi-regular basis we would run the trails in Redwood Park up to 3 times a week. It really is his happy place. I've always loved watching him zip around, sniffing, peeing, and saying hello to all the different dogs on the trail. He just loves it. I love that.

The first "blow" came last November when he was diagnosed with some arthritis in his spine around his hips. But that we could deal with. A little medication. A slower pace. Fine.

Then, this January a simple hike ended with a limping Bodhi. Pulled a muscle? Overdid it, I thought. But with no improvement a vet visit revealed he had torn his CCL (ligament, right rear knee). Hmmnn... That's not good for sure. The $5,000 surgery was just not in the budget, plus after talking with several owners who had gone through it with their dogs I found both pros and cons to that option. I'd wait for a bit to make the decision. Perhaps his running days were over. That seems reasonable. We could still hike. And after 6 months he's walking with an even gait.

Right around that same time a sore developed on his shoulder. Hot spots. He'd had those before. Fine. But it didn't go away, in fact, it didn't even get better. Just worse. Concurrently he seemed to lose his appetite, he'd strain to have mushy stools, he'd strain to pee, he needed to go for potty walks more than twice his normal routine. Okay.... something is "up". The voice in the back of the head said it would not be good news. But we don't really want to think about that! Do we?!....

Yes, the sore tested positive for round cell tumor. Could be bad. May or may not be related to the other issues going on. I think it's time for a second opinion here.

In the meantime, yesterday, he was unable to urinate at all. Today, all we know is that it is an inflamed prostate. But since he's a neutered male the chances are most likely that it is prostate cancer. Cancer..... Is that the voice in the back of my head again? No, it's the vet. I'm trying very hard not to jump ahead here. Medicine is one step at a time. One agonizingly slow step at a time. So we are, at this moment, waiting for the cell aspiration cytology. "By Monday or maybe sooner".... Tick Tock, Tick Tock....

This cancer, the vet said, does not have a good prognosis. She said more, used bigger words. But my head was spinning. So that is how I say it now. He was started on a medication that "may buy him a little time" by reducing the inflammation. But it won't get rid of the cancer.

Officially, Bodhi has not been diagnosed with cancer. But I can't help but wonder if I will be faced with making a decision about his life in the next week. I am not ready for that. I mean, on the outside it's just that he can't pee. And although he has mellowed he is not a sickly dog. He's just old. That is what I think. What I want to think. But the vet and the tests and this reality... they are sounding like that voice in the back of my head. The one I've been trying so hard to ignore.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. "Monday or maybe sooner" seems an eternity away. I am so emotional. I want to make decisions based on fact. I want to be clear headed. I'm not though. I'm sad.

And I'm beginning to wonder if little Biella, full of life and love and enthusiasm beyond, came into our lives to soften this blow. I don't know how much time I have left with Bodhi. My soulmate dog. It could be one week, it could be years. But when the inevitable comes, it will be quite a blow.

Quote

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." -John F. Kennedy